1:19am. The 24-hour Computer Lab
at Marist College in Poughkeepsie.
I normally like to get a nice cup
of coffee and sit somewhere calm and beautiful as I write. However, this week
I’m sitting in a crowded computer lab with no windows to speak of and no coffee
either. This is the sad state of affairs that occurs every semester around
finals week. Soon this semester will be over and the whole notion of this
school year ending really baffles me. It’s gone so fast and yet it’s gone so
slow as well. This a phenomenon I don’t think I can quite explain, the process
of this year felt like a million lifetimes but as I stand at the end and look
back it’s like a minute.
It’s been an interesting week. I
know I always say that but it really always is an interesting week. Maybe it’s
just me but life seems to be one constant surprise, you never know what’s going
to happen, you never know who you’re going to meet, you just never know (or at
least I don’t which is why I live in this state of constant awe at life’s
possibilities). Now, I didn’t go anywhere crazy or talk to anybody quite so out
of the ordinary. Something did happen this week though and it was sort of a
surprise. I got a car from my father. There’s a bit of a story here and anyone
who knows me might remember my last vehicle, a large white Ford Explorer with a
munched-in front end that all lovingly referred to as “Bessie.” “Bessie” died
this past summer (a gas leak was the straw that finally broke that camel’s
back) and I shed many tears at her passing. She was like a good friend in an
odd sort of way – she got me through some tough times in high school and we had
plenty of adventures together all the way through my sophomore year of college.
I will always remember her fondly.
That said, my parents and I
exchanged many, many harsh words over “Bessie” and have exchanged many more
over the subject of cars in general since her death. All in all, it’s really
more about the harsh words than the car. But this new car has me thinking about
the past, about the old car, about all the harsh words I’ve said, not only to
my parents but to my friends and extended family as well and not just over cars.
At times I’ve been so truly awful. It’s because of this that I feel undeserving
of this new car (and let me tell you it’s a beautiful car). In fact I feel
quite unworthy of all the generosity,
the friendship, the love. I like to think of myself as a pretty good person but
in the face of such munificence I can’t help but wonder a bit, and when I say
“wonder” I mean doubt, and when I say “a bit,” I mean a lot.
I guess the point of all of this
is to try and express my gratitude in a roundabout sort of fashion. Dad, if
you’re reading this I want to thank you especially this week for never getting
too fed up with me and for always striving to provide the very best for us kids
(yes, I know I’m 21 but I still feel like a kid). And to all the rest of the
amazing people in my life – family and friends thank you too. I don’t really
deserve a car and I don’t deserve a single one of you. I believe, to my very
core, that I have been unbelievably blessed for reasons that are far beyond my
comprehension to have you all in my life.
Now this all may have sounded
mushy and self-deprecating but I’m very serious. In recent weeks I’ve had
little to offer in terms of answers and lessons and this week isn’t much
different. All I have is this, some of you out there, like me, may be very,
very lucky. If this is you, just don’t let it go unappreciated. Recognize it.
And think of it often so that it permeates that period of time that feels like just
a minute as you stand at the end of this season and look back.
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