Some Kind of Wonderful

1:00pm. Starbucks in Poughkeepsie.

This has been a weird week. I think it has something to do with the weather, last week it was exceptionally warm and sunny so everyone on campus used this as an excuse to skip classes, throw Frisbees and start drinking at noon. But alas, this week we’ve returned to the moderately cool weather characteristic of late March and we’ve returned to our classes and gone through our weekly motions all hoping for another random burst of heavenly summer. Life goes on though and there is no more 85 degree weather to delay writing all of those final papers and despite the fact that I am in my junior year of college, each of my professors has taken ample class time to discuss the ins and outs of paper writing (as if it were a new concept). I usually use this class time to zone out, doodle, and perhaps go on Facebook if there is a computer available. However, my philosophy professor managed to hold my ear, at least for a little while, this past Tuesday.

Most instructors will tell you to write an outline, brainstorm, do research, set down your ideas and decide on the structure of your essay, and then you can sit down and start to write. But not before. Never before. This professor told us something different, he said, “Just sit down and start to write, you often need to start writing to figure out what you actually think, so just start to write and you’ll figure it out from there.”

Now, I can’t say I believe that there are right and wrong ways of writing an essay, or of writing in general. I can say that I appreciate the variety. Also, I can say that I believe the type of process my professor was describing goes far deeper than writing a philosophy essay.

In life we don’t often get time to sit down, make a big grand plan, and then follow it gracefully to completion. I sometimes wish we did, but more frequently I find myself in this river that is life. The water is always flowing, the world is always changing, and so are we (I stole that idea from the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus, I hope he won’t mind). Do we ever go into an experience knowing how we are going to feel at the end of it, or knowing how it will all work out? I don’t. And this is the thought that hit me in Tuesday’s class – you don’t have to know everything from the start, you don’t have to stay the same and you shouldn’t expect others to either.  It’s about so much more than just the damn essay.

I’m not going to stare at my computer screen in this Poughkeepsie Starbucks and presume to have answers to life’s questions. I’m no different from you sitting there reading (but I so appreciate that you’re still sitting there reading). I don’t have it figured out. Perhaps though, as I write, as I live, as you read, as we all embrace the process, we might figure something out. Maybe this not knowing is not so terrible. Maybe it’s wonderful.

 

Sportsgasm

                          (Again, the photo has no real relevance other than it describes the mood)

2:06am. My Apartment in Poughkeepsie.

As you all know, I’m still new to the sports thing, but last week I believe I experienced what can only be described as one thing. A sportsgasm. Now, as much as I would like to be the first person to coin this term, I thought of it, looked it up, and lo and behold it was already on Urban Dictionary – “A period of time when the sheer volume and quality of live sport induces a feeling not dissimilar to an orgasm in you.” It’s may sound crass to some of you out there, but it’s truly the most accurate description of the feeling I had.

My college co-ed Ultimate Frisbee team went 8 and 0 over three days to make it to the Championship Game of the High Tide Tournament in Brunswick, Georgia. The game was as close as a game can get and when the tournament officials told us hard cap was on, we were tied 9-9 (this means next point wins). To top it all off, we were coming out on defense. I imagine this is the type of moment that die-hard sports fans (and players) live for, that moment where everything is on the line and you’re the underdog. Our team pulled the Frisbee to the opposite end of the field (it’s like a kick-off in football…or so I’m told). And then there were five turnovers. That’s right, five. Each time the possession turned I thought, “this is it, this is where it ends.” But then it didn’t… until, on the fifth turnover of the championship point, the disc made it into the hands of my good friend Danny who flung the thing into the end zone where Robbie, one of our senior players, finally caught it. We screamed our heads off, we rushed the end zone, we celebrated like nothing else mattered. It was incredible.

So now you see why I have to use this rather crass term. There was hard defense, delicate offense, endless anticipation, screaming, and pure unprecedented pleasure – a sportsgasm. I have never in my life experienced anything like it before and let me tell you, it was awesome. I’m sure your saying to yourself now, great, good for you but what’s the point.

The point is this: I wanted to tell this wonderful story about this wonderful moment. These moments are often few and far between in life (and if they’re not for you, give me a call, I must know your secret) and so we have to share them. Last week I talked about envy, and the way in which it has the power to consume us if we let it.  This though, this joy, this moment, it had the same power of deep consumption. So just as it is important to recognize your own envy, feel it and address it, it is equally important to relish our joyful moments, feel them fully and be mindful of their power in our lives. There will be time spent on the other side of the spectrum, time spent in loneliness, anger, sadness, envy and what have you. There will be time spent in the middle, time where everything is just ok. The point of this week’s blog is just to be sincerely present and aware in all of our time because we only have so much of it. Whether we are in our deepest woes or high as kites, or somewhere in-between, it’s all okay so long as we don’t let a millisecond of it slip by unexamined or unrecognized.

Just An Old Sweet Song

 

(Disclaimer: this picture has nothing to do with this week's blog, it just sort of describes the mood. Plus my dog is adorable and everyone should know)

5:15pm. On a bus somewhere along the eastern seaboard.

I guess it doesn’t really matter where you go, or what you’re doing, life will always take you on adventures if you’re willing. As you may have noticed by this week’s location, I’m off on a new journey headed down south to Georgia for a huge, week-long, ultimate Frisbee tournament near the beach. Gotta love spring break. (More about this next week)

Since my last blog, I’ve been wondering what I should write about next, but nothing really pertinent came to mind until Wednesday night. It was a balmy 70 degrees in Poughkeepsie this past Wednesday, which of course meant breaking out the tank tops and Frisbees and spending the whole day out on the campus green enjoying the sun. Later on that night, I joined a good friend of mine for some Ben & Jerry’s out on the lawn and we had a good talk. I remembered writing about this same friend way back in Italy. Her name is Kendra and she has just returned from a semester abroad in Senegal, Africa. Since our homecoming she has been a constant confidant. Often, my best friend, Lacey (who went to Italy with me), Kendra and I will sit and watch the sunset together, we’ll talk about school, friends, family… whatever. But there’s something really special about these chats. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection, but it’s interesting to see how coming back from abroad has affected my friends who also went away last semester. Lacey seems to have hit the ground running, she’s just so completely in her element with all the new lessons she’s learned, I have to admit (reluctantly) I’m a bit envious. I see it in Kendra also, she’s already naturally outgoing and as she puts it, she “doesn’t do awkward.” Talk about envy.

In the end though, it’s just another opportunity to reflect. I ask myself, is it healthy to be envious of your friends (or anyone really)? Can’t you just be happy for them? Honestly, it’s not like they don’t have problems too. I think the answer is yes. Yes, you can be happy for your friends, in fact, what I’m learning is that you need to be happy for your friends because otherwise you seriously diminish your own chances for happiness. Envy is a thing that consumes the best of us at times, and while I’ve never had any good luck ignoring my feelings completely, they all have their space and place. Envy’s a tricky one though because it’s a feeling that doesn’t serve you or anyone around you. You just waste your energy feeling jealous that you’re not one way when you could be spending it getting closer to being the way you actually want to be. Even if you channel your jealousy into motivation to achieve new things, it seems a tainted motivation. Like you can’t motivate yourself so you rely on the success of others for your own motivation. It all just seems so fruitless when it comes to envy.

So what’s the lesson here? It goes back to what I wrote about Kendra way back in Italy. Kendra’s mom wrote to her in Africa, “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.” These were words of wisdom for me in Italy and they are words of wisdom for me still. As I ride these long hours down the eastern coast, they echo like an old sweet song. This isn’t something you deal with when you go abroad (or have any life changing experience for that matter) it’s the way your life is forever affected. Envy masquerades as a place of security and familiarity, but it’s not, it’s just a place of fear and stagnation. The lesson this week (and, let’s be real, many weeks in the future probably) is to be honest enough with yourself to acknowledge that place of envy, but take up the courage that is most certainly within you and step beyond those fearful, stagnant places to the new and unfamiliar road ahead. I can’t say I know what that road will hold, or even just that it will be better, it may not be. All I know is this: better to move on, take new chances and maybe gain the whole world, than to stay so very still, certainly gaining nothing.